The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) have issued a frantic public health warning after a rash of violent attacks on police officers. Researchers say they’ve discovered a dormant virus that has infected a large portion of American brains over the last six or seven years and it appears to be triggered by the presence of today’s uniformed police officers.
“Once the virus is activated by interacting with an American police officer, the victim suffers symptoms of extreme rage and paranoia similar to that of a schizophrenic episode. The patient’s eyes fill with blood and their veins expand,” said Dr. Jorge Romero of the CDC. “It’s a ghastly reaction – they lose all signs of common sense and become completely irrational.”
Scientists have linked the anti-police virus with obsessive YouTube and social media viewing. “Somehow the virus is being transmitted through social media and is considered highly sophisticated – perhaps manmade,” said Dr. Romero. The CDC is working with The Department of Homeland Security (DHS) to address possible terrorism behind the outbreak although no suspects have been identified at this time.
The CDC says they’ve located a small group of reasonable Americans with slow internet connections who show signs of immunity to the anti-police virus and are currently undergoing testing to develop a potential cure.
B&S spoke with Mary Ellsworth, whose mother was admitted to a local hospital after showing symptoms of the anti-police virus. Ms. Ellsworth reports that she and her mother were running late for a baby shower when her mother was pulled over for speeding. She said everything was fine until the officer approached her vehicle.
“She just started freaking out,” said Mary regarding her mother. “She was rambling on about the government, human rights, and the Constitution. I tried to calm her down but she bit me. That wasn’t my Mom – that was Patrick Henry tweaking on meth. I just want my Mom back.”
Our interview was cut short when Mary became irritated with our questions and asked if she was being detained.
Emerging cellphone footage captured from a Detroit neighborhood showed a police officer arresting a shoplifter as the entire neighborhood began to attack the officer, apparently falling victim to the anti-police virus simultaneously.
The CDC is advising people to remain calm and avoid heavily populated areas of bored people with good internet coverage. “Avoid social media at all costs,” said Dr. Romero. “It is also recommended to read a book, get a job, or take on a hobby for Christ’s sake.”