Pope Francis Canonizes Mike Brown Into Sainthood During U.S. Visit

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Washington—Thousands of Catholics converged on Washington earlier today for Pope Francis’ visit to the United States and listened to the Pope’s canonization of Michael Brown, a 21st century wealth redistributor who was martyred in Missouri back in 2014.

Brown’s death inspired other wealth redistributors to organize and march for their ability to redistribute wealth without fear of violence from an oppressive state.

Saint Michael Brown’s canonization was the fastest canonization to follow a martyrdom in the Church’s history.  Pope Francis explained to a captivated audience, “His life was short but his deeds will live on forever.  The time we wait to canonize our new Saint Michael must also be short so that our deeds can live on through him.”

Brown’s canonization didn’t go without controversy when it was announced however.  Black Lives Matter race chameleon Shawn King expressed his dismay on the length of time it took the church to beatify Brown.  “It’s been over a year.  Another saint of color put on the papal back burner,” tweeted King with the hashtag, #toolittletoolate.

Saint Michael Brown’s mother, Leslie McFadden also expressed disappointment with the church’s decision.  “Saint? What a joke. I consider my son a God,” said McFadden.  Pope Francis later apologized and told McFadden that the church will consider adding Mike Brown to the Holy Trinity and renaming God as the Holy Quadrant or “the Father, the Son, the Holy Spirit, and Mike Brown.”

After Pope Francis declared Brown the patron saint of Cigarillos, His Excellency described Brown’s relationship with his biological father as one of the two miracles that are required to be a saint.  The other miracle was waived by new affirmative action clauses in the Catechism of the Catholic Church.

As churches scramble to find enough stained glass to adequately depict the saintly gentle giant, Pope Francis called on parishioners to remain focused on worldly social issues and continue to ignore their own families, communities, and faith.

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Henry Calgues
Henry is the creator of Blights and Sirens and law enforcement's most assumed investigative journalist.