Los Angeles, CA – A massive study conducted by the National Department of Transportation and Georgetown University was released yesterday, and its results may surprise you. The overwhelming opinion of the study is that aggressive driving can save the average driver nearly one hundred seconds.
“Most people think that aggressive drivers are just bad, angry people; as it turns out, they are actually moving traffic along faster.” declares Dr. Julian Abelman, sociology professor at Georgetown University. His study weighed factors such as: inching up on bumpers, beeping the horn at a red light, passing one car then slowing down, and exasperated hand gestures among others. “At first glance, changing lanes, then quickly changing back and cutting off cars in both lanes seems dangerous and unnecessary, but we found it to be an immense time saver.” Abelman continued.
The study revealed that on an average thirty minute drive, aggressive driving can save drivers anywhere from 10 seconds, all the up to 100 seconds. “That’s over a minute and a half!” Abelman simplified. “I don’t know why more people don’t do it!”
Lawrence Geshcoff, the study’s analytic advisor further broke down important time-saving factors. “Contrary to popular opinion and every state law, talking on your cell phone was a great time saver; especially if you can pinch the phone on your ear and reach for something in a different seat.” Geshcoff attributed the improved times due to the cell phone eliminating hesitation when changing lanes and paying attention to speed. “It was like the test subjects didn’t know anyone else was on the road.”
Everything was categorized and correlated for this study. From car make and model, to prior existing damage, to how the driver was dressed. Car make and model seemed to have very little effect on drive times, surprisingly. Prior damage however was a big factor. “Cars with missing tail lights, quarter panels, and door damage were significantly faster. When you got nothing to lose… right?” postulates Dr. Abelman.
Individuals who were well dressed seemed to drive aggressively and save time, as well as those not dressed well at all. “Both sides seem to be on their phone too, which is great for their times, as we already discussed.” mused Geshcoff.
When asked if the average time of 55 seconds was worth driving poorly, causing accidents and even injuries, both men had similar answers. “That’s an extra minute of sleep!” announced Geshcoff. “Fifty-five seconds is a long time! I can disappoint my wife in less than 55 seconds.” admitted Abelman.
Dr. Abelman further claims factors such as age, sex and race were not admitted into the study. “What are we? Racist, sexist idiots? No, we ignored all those offensive categories.” defends Geshcoff. Dr. Abelman ended the interview with this PC fact. “A young black woman can drive just as aggressively as an old white woman.”
Georgetown had no public comment about the study, but admitted it would look into the matter before funding Abelman’s next project: the effectiveness of repeatedly hitting elevator buttons.