White Guy Moves Into Violent Ghetto, Demands Crime Free Quality Of Life

Die or gentrify.
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Die or gentrify

Die or gentrify

Chicago, IL—Chicago’s notorious West Englewood neighborhood is about as violent as it sounds but less woodsy – and the newest member of the community isn’t happy.  One-man-gentrifier Brad Sullen, a 31 year old marketing consultant, says since he moved into his West Englewood apartment his safety has come into jeopardy and the police aren’t doing enough to protect him or his property.

“It’s like they just don’t care,” said Sullen about the Chicago Police.  “Everyday when I come home I have to remove all four tires from my car, roll them up five flights of stairs and keep them next to my bed or else they’ll get stolen.  What kind of quality of life is that?”

Since Sullen moved in two months ago, he’s been the victim of 32 crimes.

“Everything I’ve owned since moving in has been taken at some point,” said Sullen.  “They’re so brazen! They’ve actually opened up a store right across the street from me with all my stuff in it.  It’s called Brad’s Shit.  How can they get away with that?”

brads shitSullen has no intention to move.  He says he pays taxes like everyone else in the neighborhood and deserves to live in peace just like the police promise.

“I’ve filed over 100 complaints against the police department, contacted the mayor and demanded permanent patrol around my building.  Whatever it takes to protect me, right?  The Constitution affords us equal protection.”

“They don’t know who they’re messing with,” said Sullen about the neighborhood.  “If things don’t change, I’ll buy a small dog, roll up my designer sleeves, pop a collar and start a hipster bar.”

Sullen says a hipster bar would be the rallying cry for an army of gentrifiers.  Brad’s Shit has reportedly agreed to provide Brad with a store-wide discount in order to make amends and avoid an invasion of snarky, post-ironic lady boys.  Sullen says the discount is not enough.

“I’ll probably buy my fedora back but they can keep the rest.  Soon this place will be filled with skinny jeans, sarcasm cafes, and record shops.  Let the criminals go live in the suburbs,” said Sullen.

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About the Author

Henry Calgues
Henry is the creator of Blights and Sirens and law enforcement's most assumed investigative journalist.